alyciatimm

Pause. Breathe. Look around. Where are you? What’s around you? What goodness do you have to grab on to? Not on a large scale–  I’m not asking what you’re thankful for, or what you’re blessed with. I’m asking you:

What do you have immediately in your presence, in your sight, that brings you joy, breath, relaxation?

Focus on it.

This is only a moment.

I think that’s something we forget about life. It happens in moments. The good, bad, indifferent, they’re all moments, and they only last for, you got it, a moment.

Vulnerability time? The grand scheme of this season in my life, this past week — Hard.

That’s the only adjective I can think of when reflecting on the big picture of my life right now.

Hard.

I have hard questions to ask, and none of them lead to a real answer. I’ve spent the week screaming to God, the trees, the universe, whomever might have my answers, to just give me a glimpse, to just give me a sneak peak at my future so that I know everything will be okay.

None of them are lending me that time machine I’m requesting.

This season is hard.

This month is hard.

This month has consisted of diagnoses, appointments, stress, more appointments, bad options, not-ideal options, the option we have to do, the side effects of that option, parts removed from my husband’s body, parts that I once believed to be vital, essential, necessary-but they’re no longer in their safe place behind his ribs. Instead they’re out of his body, running through tests, pathology, molecular testing, while encompassing tumors. Gross, angry, relentless, tumors.

I hate tumors. I hate cancer.

I am not cut out for this. I never have been, because no one is. No one can stare at monster of a disease, and its side effects and be okay, be cut out for it.

That’s why I stopped living in the big picture. That’s why I choose to live by moments.

Anyone can suffer through a moment. Anyone can rest in a consecutive moment, if they know how to capture it.

Right now, my big picture is ugly. Right now my big picture makes my stomach hurt.

But this moment, gosh it’s a beautiful moment. I am sitting on my bed, and man, have I missed this bed. One of my dogs is at my feet (don’t tell her daddy), my ever-loyal girl so discerning to my emotions, so protective of me in hardships. My other dog is below me, my sweet old lab, and he’s capturing the slits of sun that peek through my window, and he’s absorbing it into his black fur.

I have the softest blanket draped over my legs, a delicious change from the waffle, white, thermal, hypoallergenic blankets that have held me all week. I am sipping a pumpkin cream cold brew, which is arguably even tastier than a pumpkin spice latte, and my diffuser across the room is releasing my favorite scent of rosemary.

This moment is good.

In this moment, no one is forcing me to look at my future and what life has of will take from me. No one is forcing sights, memories, pain. No one is demanding me to pay the bills or make decisions– I can handle those in another moment, figure that out on another day. In this moment, no one is demanding anything of me, and I am not demanding anything of myself. I’m simply sitting with my laptop in its rightful place, and bleeding for all of you, in hopes that maybe you’ll heal with me.

In a few moments, I’ll close this laptop, drive across the city, enter that place of medicine, illness, the sweetest babes going through the ugliest of things, and that moment will be hard.

But this is my moment right now, and this moment is good.

I think when we live a big-picture life, we can get so consumed in the hard details, the big stuff, that we forget the little things.

The truth is, so much of your happiness can and must consist inside of the little things, little moments. We act like the big milestones, the promotions, engagements, announcements, are what hold our happiness, and I, more than anyone, get my sights set on these goals and pursue them headfirst, forgetting the small victories I live every day.

Don’t get me wrong, achieving these dreams is great. It’s an adrenaline rush like no other, but they’re just moments, and they’ll fade, and if that’s all you have to live for, all you have offering joy in the hard life around you, then you’ll spend a majority of your days unhappy.

I did.

Beautiful girl, your true happiness is in the little details, the shortest minutes.

It’s inside of that split second that you lock eyes on the man you love and just one of his cheeks rises in his classic smile, indicating without words just how much you’re loved.

It’s inside of that second that you dig your face deep into you dog’s fur and they nuzzle you back in adoration.

It’s in the first sip of your favorite coffee, on a gently crisp fall day.

It’s even that moment when nothing is going on. It’s the moment when you’re just sitting in your favorite room, admiring the life you have made, how far you’ve come.

It’s in that moment where the world is calm for just a few seconds amidst chaos. This moment will always come. Grab it.

There will always be hard and heavy things in your life. There will always be difficulties to face in the big picture of the world we live in, but there will be moments for those, moments to face these monsters.

Right now, that doesn’t have to be your moment.

So, I say again, Pause. Breathe. Look around. Where are you? What’s around you? What goodness do you have to grab on to.

Even in these hard days, these hard chapters where decisions are demanded, and the results can be devastating, there will be moments, even just a few breaths of seconds that will be okay, and only in these moments will you truly understand that the heart of this life is good.