alyciatimm

“I am not cut out for this.”

I cannot tell you how many times these words have been spoken over the past four years.

The truth is, we’re not cut out for this. No one is.

Malignant. Cancer. Metastasized. Ewing’s Sarcoma. What horrible words.

Nobody is cut out for cancer. No one is cut out for loving someone with cancer. This disease, it is ugly. It is unnatural. It is straight from the pit of hell.  It is a complete and total intrusion of a body. It is cells that are so sneaky, so manipulative, that they disguise themselves as your own so they can kill you from within without your immunity’s natural interference. I’d hate to meet the person who believes they are cut out for something like that.

So no- we’re not cut out for this. We’re not. Our family is not. Our friends are not.

But here we are.

“God will never allow life to give you any more than you can handle.”

I feel like this is everyone’s go-to quote in times of trouble, and while the intentions are good, the pressure and confusion it caused us was devastating.

If He doesn’t give you more than you can handle, why are we drowning?

If He doesn’t give you more than you can handle, why are our relationships crumbling?

If He doesn’t give you more than you can handle, why are we here?

We’re in the absolute pit of a hardship, and we can tell you that life absolutely gives you more than you can handle. This quote is misinformed, misguided.

The truth is, life will almost always give you more than you can handle, but the beauty is, it can never give you more than He can handle.

Before we entered our own battle with cancer, we spent over 21 years hearing of other people’s stories, other people’s battles. We heard about how strong other people were in similar situations. That’s the stories people choose to tell.

You hear things like:

“His faith never wavered,” or “she never complained.”

And maybe that is their story. Maybe they entered their battle with a different perspective. Maybe they entered their battle in a much different season of life.

However, that is not our story.

That is not our truth.

And we don’t want others entering their own hard seasons with these unrealistic expectations for themselves.

Our truth? Our faith has wavered. We have complained. We have taken our frustration out on others and each other. We have shouted. We have said things we regret. We have threatened things we regret. We have pushed people away who were only trying to love us. We have pushed each other away. We have pushed God away.

We have come up short time and time again. Everyone comes up short.

 No one is cut out for this.

We were not, are not, and will never be cut out for this.

But that’s okay.

Our faith has wavered through the years, but that never made God any less faithful, and that’s the beauty of this story.

Our prayers have stopped at times, but He never stopped speaking to us. That’s the beauty of this story.

Our perseverance for the kingdom has slowed at times, but he never stopped pursuing us. That’s the beauty of this story.

We have questioned a lot over the years. We have questioned what we believe, who we believe in, and what that all looks like. But He always knew us, always sought us. That’s the beauty of this story.

As humans, our story is a tragedy. As humans, our story is one of continuous failure. But His story, that is one worth sharing.

Faith waivers in times of devastation.

No one is cut out for this.

God allows life to give you way more than you can handle.

But He is always faithful. He is cut out for this. He never gives you more than He can handle.

And that’s our story. He is our story.

~AT & AL